The thought of writing to your child, about matters that may be shared in a public space, is something that I always considered endearing. Be it Nehru's Letters from a Father to his Daughter or the ones Chanda Kochhar and Narayan Murthy have recently penned. However, words of wisdom to purely sharing knowledge, I do not believe necessarily and only happens from parent to child. Personally, my children have taught me a lot and stood by me in difficult moments. With each heartache have come wise lessons and more than my share of happy moments. So, how would I like my daughter to write to me......
Dear Mama
Perhaps the first memories of childhood, for me, are all about Nanima. Returning from school each day to her home, she was the one who shared my first secrets. My first handmade 'I am sorry' cards were all for her because my fights and make-ups were also with her. Dadubhai helped me to put together my first scrap book and when you gave up, cajoled me into attending those Sunday morning drawing classes. As you know, till date, before a difficult exam or any other tensions I dream about Nanima. When I grew older your wise words to me (as you often paraphrase, also learnt from your parents) was that every child should recognise one disciplining parent and you trusted Nanima in playing this role. At home, it was very clear to us that you would not overrule a position taken by her and authority was clearly understood at an early age.
So, what is it that I remember about you, when I look back to those days? The moments are mostly post dinner to bedtime, Sundays and holidays. When you were not traveling, you made it a point to read to us and tell us stories. I jealously guarded this time with you and was very demanding. Today, we recall and laugh, about that afternoon on a holiday in Darjeeling, when I got you to read to me the same Enid Blyton story ( A Surprise for Molly - shall never forget the title) 11 times! You encouraged me to read in many ways - telling stories, taking us to bookstores, taking pride in the bookshelf at home and in later years introducing me to specific authors who shaped your thoughts and values. You often recalled how at an early age your sister felt you should not be reading Harold Robbins but Dadubhai intervened and mentioned that there is no 'right age' for reading a book.
Our post-dinner time became even more precious as I grew older. Your travel, work tensions, parents' health, our study and growing up challenges became increasingly tough for you. While you worked your own coping mechanism, you taught me the importance of not taking life too seriously. Your loud, out-of-tune singing (not necessarily restricted to the bathroom), bouts of hectic yoga, continuous scribbling in your diary and self motivation efforts were most times quite amusing to the rest of the family. You laughed at yourself, with us but continued, nonetheless, doing all this.
I was then in Class IX and you were going through a particularly rough phase. We used to take these post dinner walks and one odd evening you began to share your problems with me. Initially, I used to just hear you out. A lot of what you shared did not make sense but I walked with you because this was 'my time' with you and I felt very 'grown-up' when we had these conversations. Engrossed, as you were, you missed out that I was also in a critical phase of growing up and feeling the pressure and challenges at school. Probably, this was your longest disconnect - well over a couple of years - till my tensions started to manifest in many ways.
Those years were also the ones in which I really grew up. Taking charge of my tuition arrangements for Class X (you never even met a couple of my tuition teachers), making my own subject choice (you backed me on my decision to opt for Commerce in Class IX, though I know deep within you wanted me to stretch myself with Science) and firming up my plans to move out of India. I realise now, the importance of two things you used to keep telling me. Make friends with people much brighter than yourself, as they will stretch you to perform better and since you have the opportunity learn things wide and varied. Oh, yes! You were very much there when it came to working on my projects - and I learnt a lot about presentation skills from you.
You never pushed me but was always by my side when it came to learning something new. Despite your schedule, you came with me for synthesiser classes. You sent me for a professional course in baking just so I would make better cakes than you. You insisted (and probably the only program you pushed me for) that I should learn personal grooming and make up. You checked out courses in the city for public speaking and Pranic healing - and took immense interest in sharing my learnings, when I opted for these.
I recall being very upset with you, when you did not allow me at the age of 17 to go for New Year's Eve celebrations at a popular discotheque. You taught me then the need as a citizen to abide by the law and recognise my responsibilities before enjoying freedom. You also allowed me to go out and get drunk, at the right legal age, without raving or ranting but just getting back to conversations ( I know how seriously you take this in any relationship).
All this went towards building a deep trust and respect for your advice. You will always remain my moral barometer.
As your daughter I want you to keep pursuing your dreams. Now you tell me that you are happy when I am considering a doctorate, something that you have always wanted to do. I can only live out my dreams and you will raise the bar, every time you better yourself. You still have to manage a tendency to procrastinate to realise your full potential. Your absent mindedness, in the midst of our chats are annoying and many times I just know that you are not fully there. You know this and have many times said it yourself, your children often need 'quantity time' and no supposedly 'qualitative' aspect can make up for sheer hours.
I can't say whether you have been a perfect Mother but I can definitely say you are a good friend. When your work, colleagues, friends and family upset you, I love the way you open up and share your lows with me. I know, as life makes its own demands on me, there'll be times when I'll be too caught up to spare time for you. Today, we also know that the geographical distance has become a reality. Through these times and for ever, I want you to know that I love you and will in my own way try to be a good daughter.
With love...............
