Friendship, the word has been on my mind for some time now. Tried checking out a few sites for a good quote on friendship, to start this piece and found mostly mushy or pontificating stuff. Now, why, mid-week and mid-summer should I be pausing to reflect on this word? It would probably make more sense for me to hold this back till Friendship Day and catch some attention on SM. Just before I lose your attention, dear reader, this writing is not a reflection on present day SM and its impact on friendships. Much has been written on that and all of us, who are deep into it, have to find our own sweet spot between shallow jokes and soul-searching conversations.
One does get into these Nietzschean phases, when one stops to reflect on this life, its meaning, the role of people surrounding us and our own response and reactions. There are times of transition, when you leave the old, behind, liberating yourself and move on. Mind, I do not use the word move forward, for existence is not unidirectional. To understand a friendship of today, you may actually want to go back many years. There are those years in everyone’s life, when friendship is in a way a commitment. When, jealousies do exist but you are artless in the ways of harming another. Or even, when, hurt is imparted short & sharp followed by an apology tendered as quickly and easily and the pain forgotten.
I stop, here, to deconstruct that friendship of our school days. A school or play hours within a gated community, para or mohalla has a largely homogeneous social (not always but generally economic, too) group. This, probably, fosters better understanding and does ensure similar and shared expectations. As a youngster our social conditioning is also low. We are learning and with pride share that knowledge, rather than jealously guard it in the belief that knowledge is power. It is only in the innocence of this childhood that I have found a friend willing to take me through lessons in Sanskrit or Hindi (a struggle I faced in my three years of senior school in Delhi. Having moved from Bombay, I realised that a lot of what I knew as Hindi was actually Marathi and 3 years of the Sanskrit course I need to crack in the final year of class VIII)
The Aristotelian view of man being a political creature with a need to live with others sets in later. Some adopt this philosophy early in their teenage years and develop manipulative or even healthy artless means to grow and succeed. Others adapt to this condition reluctantly as society requires us to mingle to earn a living and survive. This view sets a premium on recognition and positive strokes, alone. Somewhere in this journey, we start consolidating on our expectations; learn to put on those polite masks and what success pundits urge us to do, develop our “brand”.
A true friend, at that age, is hard to come by. At times, they are also, just hard to recognize. When conversations get limited to polite sound bytes, connect can only be superficial. Revisiting Nietzche at this point, ‘A true friend might choose contra-arguments, go one’s own way and even fight against a friend’s plans’. A friend for Nietzsche is not someone who, ‘accepts your every word and blindly follows in your steps’ or even someone who tries to ‘offer you a helping hand’ – this only promotes laziness, vanity, weakness and decadence.
My take is the acid test of friendship is accepting a friend is better than you, telling her/him so but at the same time being able to give and receive feedback without rancour. Be a cheerleader to a true friend in public, and a mirror to him in private. Also, be brave to invite that same feedback for yourself. Fight the conditions that sometimes risk friendships but preserve the dignity of the other, choosing to stay away from blame games.
Finally, returning to the friend as a child, friendships are not about sharing the material things of life. Sharing, is empowering a friend. Teaching him a new skill, being his critique but retaining the ability to step down or stand aside when the moment under the arch lights belongs to that friend.
