Officially, Friends

A good friendship, formed at the workplace is a rare blessing. A professional with whom you share a common knowledge space, who can provide you judicious feedback and is there to lend you an ear on those tough days, helps in making work enjoyable and bringing out the vibrant, creative "you".

Forming such friendships, however, is difficult in a competitive space and establishing lasting trust is the acid test. While not central to this piece, I shall, later, touch on whether the going gets more difficult if you are a woman.

What makes workplace relationships different is the need for balanced conduct. The friendship is suppose to facilitate a better work environment and definitely cannot support high emotive outbursts or toxicity. How then does one identify such potential individuals and reach out to form lasting friendships. 

I have, with experience distilled 3 simple ways to recognise a good workplace friend :

#Quality of conversation

Such friends actually do not talk much about the job, gossip about other colleagues or the workplace environment. A good friend makes conversation rich, seeking creative thoughts or a fresh approach to the task on hand. With such a person you share books, might include socialising with families and can bank on support when facing some difficulty. They make good sounding boards, without allowing you to wallop in negative thoughts. Make sure, though, what is shared in confidence is respected and any slip on this account must not be ignored. 

# Respect in group dynamics

Beware of any over-familiarity, as good friends are never 'that'. They neither exhibit a special favoured status nor do they indulge in vitriolic attacks during a debate. Respect is essential to any relationship and more so at the workplace.

# Implicit trust

This is particularly important if you happen to report to the same boss. A friend might have the advantage of catching a good idea from an earlier conversation or be aware of a certain weakness in your group dynamics. Be alert to any early signs of her/ him taking advantage of this knowledge particularly in small group meetings with a senior.

There are some safe zones to nurture such friendships, one being the golf course. A common interest is a good starting ground or sometimes a special project / assignment. Such situations generate positive vibes and form a more lasting connect. It is essential to remember that the purpose of a workplace is commercial and given the choice between friend and job, the latter always wins. A friendship that rests on a shared interest, therefore, is more sustainable. At the same time, there are some friendships that may, despite best efforts of all concerned, go awry. It is important to recognise when to walk away, without bitterness or being frightened off from forming new friends.

It is not always easy, though, when you are the only lady in your immediate working group. An ex-colleague, who is today a celebrity in her chosen profession, used to sit by herself and have lunch. Each afternoon, I would see her sitting quietly apart, while the rest of my team would be joking or in animated discussion, clearly relaxing during lunch break. One afternoon, I urged her to join her other colleagues. I put it to her this way " you are the only lady in my team, whereas there are five men. It might just be a little awkward for one of them to make the first move and invite you. I'm sure though, if you were to join them, you'll be made to feel more than welcome". She smiled and heard me out and I walked off to have lunch with a colleague and an endearing friend, to this date ( though we have both moved from the earlier Organization). She did take my advice and I benefited as a manager with her growing acceptability within the team. 

Further, on this subject, two starkly different incidents come to my mind. In one Organization, where I had worked 17 years, we were in Bangkok for a dealer conference. It was a big event and we had been working very hard. After the event, the team wanted to see some bit of Bangkok and were planning a walk through Pat Pong. One colleague (nay, friend) insisted that I should join; his point being that we were a team and stood his ground firmly. 

Now, cut to another Organization and another outstation meeting. After a day of fairly stressed out discussions, I found my colleagues quickly dispersed. The day had been tough and I was looking forward to some relaxing conversation and much required bonding with my colleagues to diffuse some of the tension generated in the day long discussions. I knew the ball was in my court. I had to make them see the point that they had naturally converged over a drink while leaving me out. 

When interacting with women managers, I have often sighted the above examples. My take is that you need to make the first move, attach importance to social networking / bonding and define the ground rules of trust and respect.

It sounds cliched but the fact is that more than a third of our day is spent at the workplace ( much more if your work entails travel every week). Given the sheer hours you clock, that technically becomes your only space to form friendships - learn, share, grow and rightfully, enjoy.

Travel tales - the women I meet

You will not have heard about these women. Nor had I till work took me to the interior markets of Rajasthan and Madhya Pradesh. For all known purposes these States favour the male child. Take any yardstick - literacy, employment, sex ratio, mean age at marriage - and the picture is grim. Yet, respect for tradition runs alongside respect for women. Amidst the apparent contradiction, I have seen and shared some beautiful moments with strongly bonded families.

In these stretches, typically a dealer store is an extension of the family home. The house rests atop the store. A warm cup of masala chai is prepared at home and served with some hot snacks, fruits and or dry fruits. Nowadays, given the market grapevine, they have learnt of my preference for black coffee without sugar. A drink affectionately prepared ("bitter coffee with just hot water?") not fully understood and curiously watched over, when partaken. Business discussions over, I am invited to meet the family. It is very common to be introduced to the girl child who is invariably studying CA or architecture. As one of my dealer's wife explained " Aur kuch nahin toh shaadi ke baad, ghar behete ek-aad IT file kar legi" ( if not anything else she can earn a little income by managing a couple of Income Tax files). I am slowly building a network of bright young girls, who are being encouraged to adopt me as a role model. I must, honestly admit, this makes me feel proud.

The expectation from the boy child on the other hand is a mere graduation. "Zyada padhne se kya hoga. Business toh sambhalna padhega" (what is the use of higher education as he will have to help out in the family business).  

This is not to give the impression that young ladies are not considering a career. I have met students in engineering, business management and those employed in the IT sector and hope to follow them in the years to come in the Corporate sector. Recently, I met a feisty channel partner's wife, with a legal background, in government service, working as counsellor for rape victims. 

Earlier in this week, I was being served by an unassuming elderly lady, as I sat around with my team and dealer. It was a lunch invite at his home. Suddenly, the dealer mentioned with a lot of pride that his mother had retired from government service. She was a teacher. Not just that, she used to take a bus and then trudge 4 Kms each way ( sometimes carrying him in her arms, as they did not have the requisite support systems at home). His mother went on to explain how financial difficulties hit them when the family business went through a rough patch and her father suggested that she become self reliant. The girl child education came in handy and she could take up the teaching job.

The other surprises are retail outlets, across the country and in my previous stint in FMCG, where the lady of the house "man the store" (chauvinism intended) in the mid-morning slot, while her husband is away to the nearest town for stocking-up. Sitting at the counter from 11 am - 2 pm, after finishing the household chores and before the children return from school is not uncommon. A dealer in Chattisgarh, recently mentioned with pride, that his wife anchored prices at the store several times better than him.

Adversity may sometimes become that chance call on diversity. A husband's sudden death, disability or accident, when the children are young and studying, may well bring the lady of the house to take charge of the business. 

An intriguing combination is the covertly supportive wife. She will normally keep a respectful distance while conversation is on, standing behind her husband but chip-in with some sharp observation on a commercial point. In a market we have recently entered, I had the pleasant surprise of the lady of the house praising the earlier Company and placing expectations from us, while her husband ( the dealer) shuffled his feet and grinned sheepishly trying to interject. 

This might be a very limited snapshot but when I meet these ladies I see strength of character, smartness and a seamless bond between the urban corporate me and the homemaker lady in the many towns of India.